Red Fire Retardant Actually Ground Pistachio Shells

New Yok, NY (AP) In an interview on a prime time network news program a former Brushfire Fighting Industry insider made the shocking revelation that the red powder often dropped out of fire fighting aircraft is nothing more than the ground up shells from pistachio nuts. The informant, who agreed to talk on the condition that his identity be disguised, said that the public has been kept in the dark for too long.

Other independent sources confirmed the anonymous claims. Former Yellowstone Fire Chief Reginald Rodrigues said, “There is a story floating around explaining the origin of the red powder. Legend has it that at one of the big wild fires of the 1970’s there was a group of fire fighters sitting outside of their cabin eating pistachio nuts near the front lines of the fire. All of a sudden some strong winds gusted up and the fire changed directions. The fire fighters had to flee in a hurry. When they returned days later every thing was totally chard except for the pistachio shells and the area directly beneath them. So the decided to do some tests, and sure enough, the stuff prevents flames.”

Charles “Chuck” Bucanan, the Fire Chief in Santa Fe, NM, also corroborated the pistachio nut charges. “Actually, we make our boys eat pistachio nuts all year round. We only buy the kind with the red shells, which we save religiously. We grind ‘em up and store them in a silo outside of town. We then use the powder on the wildfires in the summer.”

Colorado State Senator (and former Flame Jumper) Chip Kinzick has introduced legislation in the Colorado State Congress calling for a deposit to be set up on pistachio shells. The $.01 deposit per shell would encourage consumers to return shells. The returned shells would then be added to the state stockpile for use in fighting wildfires.

Pistachio Nut Growers’ Association representatives could not be reached for comment, but the recent news has sent the prices for pistachio futures abuzz.