In writing this article about being a Monkey Hunter I was going to employ the use of pros and cons, but then I got to thinking. Pros are overpaid these days, especially in the big leagues, and cons, while representing an affordable source of labor, can’t be trusted at all. (Neither can ex-cons, no matter what any of them say about being “a changed man,” which in inmate circles is just a euphemism for certain types of elective surgery) As a result of these realizations I will instead tell you about the upsides and the downsides of being a Monkey Hunter.
Upside:
I get to be compared to famous celebrities like the Crocodile Hunter.
Downside:
Unlike the Crocodile Hunter, I get little media attention from stunts like bringing my kid in close proximity to the animals that I work with.
Upside:
Working with monkeys is refreshing since one way that monkeys differ from humans is that they lack a sense of selfishness. The result, I get a lot of gift baskets full of bananas.
Downside:
I can’t eat them because I am allergic to bananas. To make matters worse the rigors of my research prevent me from having the time to make the bananas into banana bread for Christmas presents.
Upside:
When surveys and forms ask for occupation, writing the words “Monkey Hunter” is pretty cool.
Downside:
When spoken, the title is sometimes less cool because people (mostly the football team at my school) occasionally mispronounce it as “monkey humper.”
Downside:
Kids at school pick on me and try to give me wedgies because of the way I dress.
Upside:
The Khaki pants my mom got me for my Safari outfit are not only stain and spill resistant, but also happen to be impervious to Melvins (a.k.a. weggies)!
Upside:
The frequent trips to Africa.
Downside:
Having to hear my grandmother tell me time after time, “Well this trip will be good for your pasty complexion. Hopefully you will come back with a tan.” And I always tell her the same thing, “The only tan that I am coming home with is an Orangutan.”
