Long Island, NY Tuesday afternoon Retired Army Captain and current nursing home resident John Jones reiterated his long-time anti-Russian position by adamantly refusing a salad with Russian dressing on it, despite having not eaten all day. In his impromptu speech the 81 year-old veteran told staffers that his distrust of the Russians was more powerful than his hunger could ever be.

“I don’t trust anything Russian. There is no way I am going to put that into my body when I know full well that those dirty commies have most likely tainted it with some sort of mind controlling substance,” said Captain Jones.

When confronted with the fact that the Cold War ended more than ten years ago the aging serviceman had no comment.

At the same time one of the staffers then commented under his breath, “Well he’s half right. We have been slipping his medication into his food for months now because it’s the only way we can get him to take it.”

The Captain later went on a tirade decrying the ease of modern American life. The honorable senior also contrasted modern life with his depression era upbringing.

“And another thing, you young people these days have it so easy. If you want Russian Dressing or French dressing all they have to do is walk to the refrigerator. When I was growing up, we did not have all these fancy dressings. In fact our salad did not have all this fancy iceberg lettuce or cherry tomatoes. Our salad was made from dandelions and thistles. We had to spend all day fighting off the cows for it and at night we ate it for supper. Sometimes there was cow poop in our salad, because we were too poor to wash it. But kept out mouths shut and ate it all the same,” said Jones.

After refusing the Russian dressing provided by the nursing home Jones called his daughter and told her to get him American to eat.

“Get me something to eat, and I don’t want none of that crazy sushi stuff. Andya’ better not try to get me none of that crazy Indian food either,” Jones barked at the remote control, before another resident pointed out that he was not talking on the phone and that Matlock was starting on channel 32. Jones then turned the television to the requested channel and eventually reached his daughter by phone repeating the request.

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