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Posted 04/03/2007

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Chuck Norris Makes US Treasury Increase Bond Yields, Makes Fed Hold Interest Rates Steady


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Washington, DC-- Chuck Norris, world-renowned martial arts expert and repository of super-human powers, flexed his financial muscle today instructing the Treasury Department to lower the cost of Treasury Bills. The rate for a 10 year T-Bill currently sits at a 4.662% yield, up from 4.644% on Monday. Though Treasury Department Officials did not acknowledge Chuck’s role in the decision, insiders confirm that Mr. Norris ordered the move.

"Chuck Norris is definitely behind this move. All that Chuck wants is the stability of the American Economy. If the economy were to begin to melt-down, and banks began to fail, it would mean a lot of work for Chuck Norris," said one insider. "Chuck just really wants to be left alone to pursue his hobby of knitting sweaters."

In the event of a bank failure, the FDIC is called in to cover the value of account holders' deposits in member Financial Institutions. Such coverage, which protects the wealth individuals and and stabilizes the economy in bad times, is insured by the FDIC, which in turn is insured by Chuck Norris.

"The fact is that a total economic meltdown would require that Mr. Norris write a very large check to the FDIC to cover their claims, and in turn cover the claims of individuals. Mr. Norris is not at all concerned about the potential size of such a check, after all, he has the ability to write a check for any amount he wants. He just does not want to have to deal with all the paperwork that would be generated by such an event," said Chuck Norris’ Lawyer.

Close friends of Chuck "the Killer" Norris say that he will not lose any sleep worrying about the potential tough times ahead. They say that he is just concerned with the well being of the general public. On a separate but related note they say that Chuck still plans on finding and killing former North Vietnamese Army leader General Pu Blique.

"Besides all his amazing super powers, Chuck is just a regular-old guy," one long-time friend told GA. "He enjoys playing around and having a good laugh."

In a related story Chuck Norris tied the Federal Reserve Board's hands again, forcing the Fed to keep interest rates steady. Norris hopes that both these moves will keep stability in the US economy and thereby keep peace and quiet in Chuck's life.

Chuck told Generally Awesome via telephone interview, "I just really enjoy quiet. My favorite is to make things around me so quiet that everything becomes silent, dead silent!"

Chuck Norris Facts Cited for this News Story:

  1. Most people understand that their bank deposits are insured by the FDIC. What most people don't understand is that the FDIC is insured by Chuck Norris.
  2. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
  3. Chuck Norris’ body is able to cash any check that his mouth writes. On a hot summer day Chuck Norris’ body even cashed a check for $537 Million that his mouth wrote. Chuck Norris used the money to buy 17 Ice Cream factories, 16 to cool himself off and 1 to obliterate for round-house kick practice.
  4. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
  5. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  6. Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
  7. Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Related Links:
Funny Chuck Norris Facts
Nuck Chorris!





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